Never surrender

Dear M.,

Fuck you to the bowels of hell and back.

I am a storm brewing. I don’t have time for this. My eyes are tired (forty winks won’t make a difference) and I reek of the stench of a corporate cliche. Ingrained on my essence is a nature to bend the rules. I exist to consume poison for all its dark and enticing properties only to pay for it in the end. I remember a time when my room felt like a cavernous reliquary of crystalline truths. I was lying right smack in the middle, the cold of the marble caressing my spine.

Spread-eagled and suicidal, I wait for tremors to break the stalactites, crude tangents of hurtful realities, hoping they all crumble, pierce through me at the slightest whisper. Fall, fall. I breathe to the dark. Fall. A thousand comets raced through my head. My fingers, I saw them tracing lines of defense in the air, lines connecting points, like stars, dying suns, Cassiopeias, Orions, an Andromeda of overlapping sparks. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of uncertainty engulf me in below zero temperature. It didn’t feel like dying, but more like living.

In a world where the flighty takes no form, no permanence, stability or ground, I’m left reeling. I can’t possibly latch on to something as mutable as you. Therein lies your charm. I need you but I don’t want you, you want me but don’t need me, and people are not meant to own people. I should have learned. You shapeshift like clouds and god knows that trapping me, putting me in my place leaves me stagnant, sedentary in stupor.

Yes, we despise boredom, yet you yearn for different things at once, different places, people. I only live to dream, to exist in realms far beyond our reach. That’s about as far as our similarities can go. Change might excite me but that, oh that fucking thing intoxicates you on end. Air and water is vapor and vapor is nothingness, essentially, save for tiny molecules bouncing around hoping to make sense of who what why they exist.

There’s nothing in it for us. Duality can be binding but duality complicates things. We are both two different people in one. But as I am one of two choices heading on opposite directions, you are polarity, dichotomy on a completely unstable level. This has got to stop. I am not, this is not, love is not a toy you can wind-up at your own bidding, and just for your amusement at that. You’re out to play coy and smug and cocky and I’m out to deny the cancer of desire cast in me by the sparkle in your eye. And for all we know, fate could be out to fuck us up with brutality the magnitude of an apocalypse. Don’t you we’ll see how it plays out me. Because if that’s how you wanna go, I’m taking out my eyes to navigate through it blind.

Stop being so suave, it’s off-putting.
Good luck with me,
E.

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6 thoughts on “Never surrender

  1. This, here, is the you I know. Uncompromising – precise, manic writing with finesse. Insightful beneath the verbose tirade of expletives. The seething rage of a scorned heart, wrapped in the filigreed elegance of elevated writing.

    Like

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