Watch me drown

My drive is waning and I no longer feel as committed as I was. Sure there are developments, but I feel like nothing can fix it – I feel stuck in a loop, questioning if life has anything else in store. This is not what I dreamed I would be at this age.

I keep thinking maybe parts of me are lost in the people I no longer talk to or come in contact with. Life is curious that way. Maybe as I took on those departures, I also had to bid farewell to an inch or a mile of me I no longer have any use of. I wax nostalgic at the thought of past laughter, past tears. I have changed so much and I want to feel proud, but all there is is solace and not much to measure. This could be an inevitable aspect, a painful reality of growth, the way we leave things behind. And to go against it is to prolong the agony. Are we all stuck trying to prevent a disconnect that should have happened long ago? This is how it feels like lately. I imagine myself, old and wiser, trying to hang on to that last bit of me I haven’t given away. Perhaps my seasoned years will be spent taking on a pilgrimage, a quest to reclaim parts of me I have lost in the people I have left behind, at least the ones who are still alive, for old memories’ sake.

There is a folder in my phone where I group the traffic apps, maps, things of that sort, and named it navigation. Everything in there is supposed to give clarity when I’m stuck but seeing as I feel more lost than before I doubt any of it has much use.

I am squeezing every last drop left out of this career and I ‘m worried things might have dried up on me a long time ago. I have taken strides that would further cement my relevance in this world but I still feel as flaky and as weightless as the first day. This can’t be good. I’d appreciate it more if what I have to deal with is an angry sort of state, that at least has momentum. This feel of carrying a void inside me is unsettling. And I don’t know what else to do.

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